The Rules to being a brother to Lindsay and Kelly

I think this is pretty self explanatory.  I have put up with a lot of stuff in my days as living with Lindsay and Kelly, The thing that I have learned include (But are never limited too...)

Kelly:

Then - Never, ever touch or move anything of hers, ever.

Now -  Never, ever touch or move anything of hers, ever, unless she has taken all of her meds.

Never, even jokingly, call her stupid, dumb, incoherent, a dullard, idiotic, mindless, moronic, slow, inintelligent, or anything remotely close to any of these.  She is none of these things.

she has her way of doing things.  my way is wrong.

she has a schedule of do things.  my schedule is wrong.

I cant throw Bailey in the air, she either has just woken up or has just eaten.  

I never do the dishes.  Even if I did them last week, that didnt count, I didnt do enough.

If there is anyone who can handle herself its Kelly.

Until I got bigger than her, she loved to make me cry.  

Never piss her off unless I want to love something I love.

She always thinks I am lying, even when I tell the truth.  She just assumes I am always lying, cuz lets face it, I usually am.  (I dont call it lying, its more like bull shitting)

Shes will not leave San Diego..... unless my parents do.  

She feels bad for what she did to me when we were kids... as well she should.

At one point, had one of the most impressive CD collections i had ever seen.

Dont mess with her Family.

If I you ever drive her car, DONT TOUCH or MOVE the seat, or the mirrors.

She commands a room

She thinks my parents love her the most.

Lindsay:

If you have testicles and are not in the family, do not look, touch, brush against, or fart in  her general direction, I will find out, and I will kill you.  

She is the fashionista of the family.

Lindsay "Jon, you love this shirt." 

Jon "I do?" 

Lindsay "Yes, you do"

Jon "Lindsay, when was the last time you washed you car?"

Lindsay  "I dont know, when I got it..."

Lindsay has hit a MTC teacher on his bike in Provo.  For Shame.

She can cook anything, and cook it well.

She takes up the Big Screen TV at my parents house to watch Bobby Flay.  Me and my dad have to watch the football games on the shunned TV.

She doesnt know how much gas costs. She doesnt look at the price, she just pays.

She has awful taste in guys, i have only liked one guy she has ever dated.

She loves having an over protective brother more than anything in the world. 

She tells on me, still to this day.  About everything she can.

Lindsay can't sleep at her place, so many nights she stays at my parents house.  

She tactfully does things to annoy me.  I know, you would never guess.

I've never met anyone who knows more, or can learn song lyrics as quickly as she can.

She has a weird love of bulldogs.  

She thinks my parents love her the most.

This is so few things, but its late, and my brain is not functioning well.

Things I have learned about woman from the woman in my Family:

shut my mouth unless what I have to say is EXTREMELY important.

The best thing you can possibly say in an argument are these words - "I have no recollection of the events in question."

Every man for himself, sorry dad.

Dont even try to get attention, its a waste of time, energy, and it will never happen.

Its better to give them what they want than to listen to them bitch.

Dont forget something they have told you, for the love of all things holy.

Whatever they tell you, just go along with it.

You should know what they are thinking.

I am responsible for everything they have told me, and even things they thought they told me.

The best invention is the Ipod.  Smile, nod, and watch their mouths move with no voice.

In an argument, stop it as soon as it starts, and do whatever it takes to do so.  

If I have an idea or something I need to talk to them about, tell it to someone who cares, this means anyone but them.

and again this list could go on, but Im done for the night.  I have gotten pretty far with this small list though.  On the other hand, no wonder is have such issues with females.  have you seen the ones I have lived with?  (Kidding you guys, you know I love you!)