Life as a waiter...

It has been a long time since I posted anything, kind of lost my luster for it. But I am sitting here waiting to head to church for the day, and I thought that a post based on being a waiter could serve some fun/interest for some people.

So here we go....

First off, If you want to know what it is like working in a restaurant, watch the movie "Waiting." It is as close (with some extremes) to seeing what it is like as you can possibly get without working there. It is a bit raunchy, for those who dont want to know what really happen, I suggest you dont watch it.

General Rules

If your waiter looks like he or she is in a hurry, it is because they are. This is mostly on weekend nights, but we appreciate it if you say you are ready to order, you really are. Saying you are then proceeding to look at the menu for 2 minutes is not cool. We could have filled 7 drinks, gotten 8 sides of ranch, a house salad, 3 bowls of soup and napkins for all of our tables during that 2 minutes alone.

Please do not ask your waiter or waitress what we have that is good. Especially at a place like Chilis, we have 487 options to choose from. It is impossible to pull out a food with much authenticity that we think you will like. A better question would be "What is your favorite salad?" "Which burger do you think is the best?" "What are the best tacos?" even something like "I am having a hard time choosing between Ribs and the Cajun Ribeye, do you have a preference?" I guarantee you will get a better, truthful response if you ask specifics. If you dont, we will just tell you something to get. Whether we like it or not.

If by chance you are out to eat, and something happens, and the restaurant gives you a complimentary dessert, or takes off some of your meal, please do not take this out on the waiter. It is courtesy to tip them based on the amount they served you. if you have a $60.00 bill and the manager comps half of it, tip on the $60.00, not the $30.00.

If you are in a group (like 6 or more) and you need the ticket split, please, please, please tell us when you first get there, it will make our lives so much easier. And please be patient while we are running all of your payments, it is vary time consuming.

There are certain things all restaurants have their servers do at every table, we hate them just as much as you do. Please don't get upset at us.

If you piss off your waiter, or are a pain in his or her ass, you automatically get dropped on that persons mental priority list.

Two rules that will be smart to go by no matter where you are, I have never met a server that does not get annoyed by these: 1) When we say hello to you when we first approach the table, please respond, dont just say "Ill have a coke" and 2) In a place where they put down napkin and silverware, DO NOT take the napkin off the table and move it around before we put the silverware down.

If you know you will go through drinks real quickly, ask your server to bring out more than one, it is very appreciated.

Fun things to know

I have never seen anyone, or heard of anyone (cooks included) spitting in anyones food. (despite the most evil thought of doing a lot worse things than that.)

A fun table can make a servers night.

One bad table can ruin a shift as well.

7/10 servers are fake beyond understanding.

If you have issues with your food, let us know, we want you to enjoy your meal, we will get you something you like.

At Chilis, there is not one server who does not want to murder the guest who orders the Bottomless Soup, Salad, and Chips.

If you go to a restaurant frequently, find a server you like, and ask to be in their section, they will hook you up if you find a cool one.

We are servers, not servants.

I heard, a long time ago, that on average, a server walks 5-7 miles in one shift. Take me for example with 4 shifts a week= 6 miles a day, 24 miles a week, 96 miles a month, 1152 miles in a year, 11520 miles a decade, and so on.

If it is too cold in my restaurant, and you ask me to have the heat turned up I will say "No problem, ill let the manager know, it should take just a little bit to warm up." what this means: I walk in the back, get a drink, walk back out and tell you the heat was turned up. 15 minutes later I ask you if it is warm enough for you. (Never in my 1 1/2 years have I had someone say it had not warmed up.)

Ok, and this is it... I think i covered pretty much all my bases hear. If I think of any more, i will add via comment.

I dont even know what to say about this.

So If you have not seen this yet.... you need to.  You have to watch it til the one minute mark for it to get entertaining...  Its kinda freaky actually

Just another one, possibly more freaky?

The Rules to being a brother to Lindsay and Kelly

I think this is pretty self explanatory.  I have put up with a lot of stuff in my days as living with Lindsay and Kelly, The thing that I have learned include (But are never limited too...)

Kelly:

Then - Never, ever touch or move anything of hers, ever.

Now -  Never, ever touch or move anything of hers, ever, unless she has taken all of her meds.

Never, even jokingly, call her stupid, dumb, incoherent, a dullard, idiotic, mindless, moronic, slow, inintelligent, or anything remotely close to any of these.  She is none of these things.

she has her way of doing things.  my way is wrong.

she has a schedule of do things.  my schedule is wrong.

I cant throw Bailey in the air, she either has just woken up or has just eaten.  

I never do the dishes.  Even if I did them last week, that didnt count, I didnt do enough.

If there is anyone who can handle herself its Kelly.

Until I got bigger than her, she loved to make me cry.  

Never piss her off unless I want to love something I love.

She always thinks I am lying, even when I tell the truth.  She just assumes I am always lying, cuz lets face it, I usually am.  (I dont call it lying, its more like bull shitting)

Shes will not leave San Diego..... unless my parents do.  

She feels bad for what she did to me when we were kids... as well she should.

At one point, had one of the most impressive CD collections i had ever seen.

Dont mess with her Family.

If I you ever drive her car, DONT TOUCH or MOVE the seat, or the mirrors.

She commands a room

She thinks my parents love her the most.

Lindsay:

If you have testicles and are not in the family, do not look, touch, brush against, or fart in  her general direction, I will find out, and I will kill you.  

She is the fashionista of the family.

Lindsay "Jon, you love this shirt." 

Jon "I do?" 

Lindsay "Yes, you do"

Jon "Lindsay, when was the last time you washed you car?"

Lindsay  "I dont know, when I got it..."

Lindsay has hit a MTC teacher on his bike in Provo.  For Shame.

She can cook anything, and cook it well.

She takes up the Big Screen TV at my parents house to watch Bobby Flay.  Me and my dad have to watch the football games on the shunned TV.

She doesnt know how much gas costs. She doesnt look at the price, she just pays.

She has awful taste in guys, i have only liked one guy she has ever dated.

She loves having an over protective brother more than anything in the world. 

She tells on me, still to this day.  About everything she can.

Lindsay can't sleep at her place, so many nights she stays at my parents house.  

She tactfully does things to annoy me.  I know, you would never guess.

I've never met anyone who knows more, or can learn song lyrics as quickly as she can.

She has a weird love of bulldogs.  

She thinks my parents love her the most.

This is so few things, but its late, and my brain is not functioning well.

Things I have learned about woman from the woman in my Family:

shut my mouth unless what I have to say is EXTREMELY important.

The best thing you can possibly say in an argument are these words - "I have no recollection of the events in question."

Every man for himself, sorry dad.

Dont even try to get attention, its a waste of time, energy, and it will never happen.

Its better to give them what they want than to listen to them bitch.

Dont forget something they have told you, for the love of all things holy.

Whatever they tell you, just go along with it.

You should know what they are thinking.

I am responsible for everything they have told me, and even things they thought they told me.

The best invention is the Ipod.  Smile, nod, and watch their mouths move with no voice.

In an argument, stop it as soon as it starts, and do whatever it takes to do so.  

If I have an idea or something I need to talk to them about, tell it to someone who cares, this means anyone but them.

and again this list could go on, but Im done for the night.  I have gotten pretty far with this small list though.  On the other hand, no wonder is have such issues with females.  have you seen the ones I have lived with?  (Kidding you guys, you know I love you!)

Just to throw some more out there... for sake of argument

So here are some pics of the process of shaving my head.  good times!

I think the one with long hair and the poster proves my point.

This one is for my mom

So... there is a long standing feud between my mother and I.  For quite a long time I grew my hair out.  At its peak it was about an inch or more passed my ears.  About a year ago, I was sitting at my apartment watching some TV with my hair in my face.  I couldnt see the TV.  I turned to one of my room mates at the time and said, get the trimmers and buzz my head, now.   I had thought about it for a long time, and just up and decided to do it.  So a few minutes later my hair was gone and all over the floor.

My mother HATES my shaved head.  I love it.  We will let you decide what style you like better.  If you appreciate me in any capacity, and appreciate me as a human being, you will vote for the buzzed head.   If you like my long hair, you got my moms side.  

Now dont get me wrong, it is exactly what it seems like here.  This is not only a vote of hair styles, but you are also voting on who you like 

better.  My mom, or me.  Its time to take sides and this is the way to prove who you are loyal too.

This is how the painfully tedious, long hair style looked.  

And this is what the buzzed head looks like.

Choose wisely, for you decision at this point in time will effect our relationships for years to come.

Quick Thoughts

I am having some of my best friends from Northern California come visit this weekend, and before I go pick them up from the airport, I thought I would throw some weekend thoughts down...

If you are into stand up comedians, check out Mitch Hedberg.  I usually dont find stand-ups entertaining, but this guy is good.  

Utah should have won the National Championship as the Nations only undefeated team in FBS.  On a side note, Florida Sucks.

Chargers will lose to Pittsburgh this weekend, as long as Ben Rothlesberger is thinking somewhat straight after his concussion.  

Value the time you have with friends and family.  Embrace this time like you will never have it again.

Find good people in your life, and once you do, hold on to them.  

As a good friend once told me, take it easy on asians, they have a slanted view on life...

If you want to watch a corny video with some good underlying themes, go to youtube and search Christian the Lion.  Its real corny, but it kinda makes you feel good.

Anyways, Im out to pick up my boys... Although I just found out one of them missed their flight!  I love it!

Have a great weekend everyone!

The sites I love

This on is going to be short and simple.  I spend quite a bit of time on the internet, so I decided to put a list up of my favorite sites... 

Sports

mlbtraderumors.com - I have an unhealthy obsession with baseball, and you will not find a more up to the minute or reliable source of whats going on in the world of baseball than you will with this site.

espn.com - pretty self explanitory.

OaklandAthletics.com - Official site of the team 

SanDiegoPadres.com - Official site as well

Deals

slickdeals.net - updated throughout the day, mostly deals with technology, but throws random stuff on there as well.  Great deals you can find here.

whiskeymilitia.com - site has a item of the hour, that comes from names brand skate/snowboarding apparel that will offer items at amazing deals (usually 60% - 80% off retail).  This site also has links to others for skiing and such.

woot.com - every night at 10:00 pacific there is a new deal posted, until it sells out.

Media 

pandora.com - no this is not a site my mother started, it is a music site that introduces you to new bands and music similar to music you already like.  It is an amazing site.  One of my favorites hands down.  there is a learning curve to figuring out the site, but once you do, I promise you will love it.  

hulu.com - kind of the same thing as pandora except for television.  You can queue favorite shows and watch them with limited advertising.  the shows usually show up on the site about a week after it originally airs.  there are some movies and tv clips on there as well.

Itunes store - since the introduction of the genius bar to Itunes it kind of does the same thing as pandora and introduces music like the song you have chosen.  The Itunes store allows you to listen to clips of music as well.  

Random Sites

youtube.com - no explanation needed. 

facebook.com - keep in touch with long lost friends through a glorified email.  

and thats about it.  

Coming Soon.... Why Mac is the way to go for your computer choice.

Everyone is their own chris angel

I have noticed a growing trend recently in my online community endeavors.   Whether it is facebook, myspace (before I deleted it), or any other situation where people put picture up of themselves where people they dont know can see them, this disturbing trend is gaining steam.  

Im talking about the phenomenon of phantom cute girls (I am sure there is a similar situation while looking at unkown male pictures too, dont lie, I know you girls do it).  

You know what I mean when I say phantom pictures too.  You are meandering around and come across a profile picture of someone you think to yourself might be cute.  So in your attempt to satisfy some weird momentary stalker fixation, you click on the pic, maybe hoping to see more pics of this potential cutie.  What do you discover, this well angled picture has hidden the 68 chins and arm flab that could feed a third world country for a decade.  

First off, I must say well done to these picture takers, I mean, it can not be easy to hide that much of your body.  I mean, damn.  

Secondly, we need to put an end to this.  There are few things are as discouraging to a person as thinking a certain person is cute, then coming to realize they could be a poster child to the Sloth from Goonies look-a-like club.  

We need to help ourselves out by raising awareness and stopping these Phantom Pictures from being let loose on the world.  It is deceiving, and quite frankly, not very considerate.

Don't act like you dont know what I am talking about.  Its just fact.  I dont mean to demean or be mean, and as we learn from Tootie, its the facts of life.  

On a similar topic, if you do not already know, if there is a pic you come across you find intriguing, and it is not a close up of the person, there is a reason for it.  Yes the sunset is beautiful, but thats not why its not a close up...

Just To Get Things Started

I saw this the other day and couldnt stop laughing...

"Its not Rape if you yell "surprise," it is then considered surprise sex"

What the Hell am I doing...

So I had to jump on the wagon and start one of these.  

I know this is going to come as a shock to many of you, but I am a pretty opinionated person.  Most of these opinions stem from sports, general observations that I notice in my daily life, or my frustrations from the growing number of completely idiotic people that i come across everyday of my life.  

Most of what I post will be about sports, but sometimes it wont be.  Sometimes I will bitch, sometimes I will provide insights, sometimes even I will wonder why in the world I am typing what I am.  

I encourage differences of opinions, and I expect you to express them.

Keep in mind I have a warped sense of humor, and I find many things funny that many of you will not.  

Have fun, enjoy, and as the famous Van Wilder says "Dont take Life too seriously, you will never get out alive!"